The “Debbie Downer”

I have had a rough couple of weeks. Between being physically exhausted (taking care of two toddlers and being pregnant is hard work), emotionally drained, the excessive heat, and just regular shitty things that happened, it’s been HARD. Yet no one would really know! I am a negative person, married to a very positive person, after 12+ years his positivity has rubbed off on me (but also therapy has really worked)…

See, from being a negative person I never thought I could fix problems. I would just complain about my problems and not do anything about them. After having kids, although it was harder because I was so overwhelmed I decided to change and try to find solutions to my problems. I had no mommy friends, so I went online and got some! I was tired, so I took it one day at a time, and took breaks in between. I had no help, so I hired some. I was bored, so I got museum memberships and started going out.

I can’t say I don’t complain anymore, I believe we all have a Debbie Downer inside of us, but I just don’t feel like dragging everyone down with me, so I just complain to my husband!!! LOL, poor guy. But recently I have met a couple of people who are true Debbie Downers and I finally feel my husbands pain every time I complained to him!!

Don’t get me wrong, every single person has the right to complain and we all do, because we are human, but when you complain every single day for things that you can fix then that makes me mad. It makes me mad because I have come to the understanding that there is always going to be someone who is going through something worse than you.

I don’t want to diminish people’s problems, but sometimes I hear moms complain about things so trivial like how the kids didn’t complete their art project at the library, and I think to myself, damn my kid has cancer and I feel I shouldn’t complain, because his cancer is treatable, as opposed as kids who have cancer and have to go through chemo or radiation. Those are REAL problems. Those are parents who can really complain. Yet you never really hear them complain. I admire that.

Like I mentioned before I have had two rough weeks but everyone keeps telling me I look good. My answer has been, just because I feel like sh%$t doesn’t mean I have to look like sh%$t!!! So although I am still a rather a negative person, I am not a Debbie Downer, I think that problems have solutions, it’s up to us accept our solutions and move on.

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July 25, 2013. Tags: , , , , , , , , , . Babies, cancer, experiences, friendships, Parenting, toddlers, Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

Relationships??

Adversity changes everything. From the way you feel to the way you react, to the way you interact. Especially with your family and friends. I have an amazing family, we are a bit nuts, but we love each other very much so. Since the diagnosis of my little boy everyone has reacted in different ways and I, in turn have no idea how to react to their reactions! An example is how my brother, who is the godfather of my baby, had the crazy idea to get a tattoo of my baby’s name and the date of his surgery. I understand why he feels that way. On the other hand, my other brother, had no idea how to react so he just didn’t call me at all. He was keeping update via my parents, but didn’t know how to speak to me. It’s hard to understand how people feel the way the feel.

Then with friends is even more conflicting. Be it because they don’t know how to react or don’t know what to say, but I have had mix reactions from different people who I didn’t expect. I have to say I don’t want to name names, but there’s a friend who has been amazing!! Lets just say our kids have 50% the same racial combination! I really felt and feel so much love from this person, and her family. The attentions have been amazing. On the other hand there are friends who have, to this day, even asked how the baby is doing. Hey, some people still don’t know what he had was cancer!

Needless to say, between hospital stays and visits for follow up tests and checkups, plus lonely holidays I have had way to much time to think. The best things in life are really free. You will get what you put out there. I really want to put out there positiveness. Just hope that the next day, week, month, year will be better. Not monetarily, although that would be ok too, but more about the blessings and small joys of life, like healthy happy children, and a wonderful husband…

February 17, 2013. Tags: , , , , , , , , . Babies, cancer, experiences, friendships, Parenting, toddlers, Uncategorized. 2 comments.

A big week in a small dose

(This post was originally about 2,500 words… I did the best I could to edit down)

How does a 9 month old change the lives of people he doesn’t even know? How does a 9 month old make people, who have never been to Church pray? How does a baby make people who haven’t spoken in years talk to each other? I’ll tell you how. By teaching adults to get over the bullshit because at the end of the day there is nothing worse than suffering from a health related issue. My son just went through what has got to be the hardest thing a baby and a parent could ever go through.

Hospital stay, tests, surgery, and the dreaded Cancer diagnosis. Yes, cancer. Neuroblastoma. After a scare with bloody stool, an x-ray, sonogram and MRI, a tumor the size of his little heart was to blame for our visit to the hospital. Sitting in the room with a group of 5 other doctors telling me that the way to attack this would be surgery to remove the tumor, was the hardest 20 minutes of my life. Holding the tears that whole time was like I was dying. As soon as I left the room the river started to flow as I couldn’t stop crying until the next day. Not only did my son got diagnosed with the second most common type of cancer, but the surgery was brutal. He had a microscopic camera inside his body, the incision in the removal site, a decompressing chest tube (to avoid swelling of the lungs), an IV on his foot, a central IV line at his neck, an artery line in case of blood loss, a breathing apparatus down his throat, and electrodes to monitor his heart. Yet, with all of this going on, this child proceeded to stand up after anesthesia wore off. He stood up in his little hospital crib like nothing was going on. His recovery was so good that he didn’t need to go to the PICU (Pediatric Intensive Care Unit). He was in recovery a total of 3 hours and next day he was his happy self. We left the hospital Friday and this kid still amazes me. He is trying to walk, and laughing his merry self. He hasn’t even complaint about pain even though his scar is about 5 inches long. This baby and what he has been through has made family members communicate with each other. It has made people pray for him and his recovery. So much that I have a list of hundreds of people who sent their prayers for him, some of whom are not even religious yet found it in their heart to give us a prayer! I never thought I would be strong enough to type this and not cry. I think I have more faith than I thought I had a week ago. Seeing how my little baby has been through so much and still manages to enjoy his little life, shows me that no matter what’s going on, he’s strong and he will get through it.

It’s crazy how things happen and it bothers me that this happened to my sweet child but I also think everything happens for a reason and I am not the one to play God. He will not let us go through something we cannot handle. It reminded me of the Serenity prayer, which reads “God grant me the serenity 
to accept the things I cannot change; 
courage to change the things I can; 
and wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time; 
Enjoying one moment at a time; 
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; 
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
 as it is, not as I would have it; 
Trusting that He will make all things right 
if I surrender to His Will;
 That I may be reasonably happy in this life 
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
 Amen” (Reinhold Niebuhr).

Our battle is only beginning. We will not know anything until the tumor biology come back and the next three test are done, but I just know that today we are happy. Today my baby played, laughed, walked, and enjoyed himself in every possible way and that is the only thing that matters for him and that is the only thing that I need to be strong for him and get over this.

.

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November 30, 2012. Tags: , , , , , , . Babies, cancer, friendships, Parenting, toddlers, Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

The Good Mommy Debate

Is it bad to give your kid french fries? Is it good to only buy organic stuff? Who determines if you are a good or bad mom? I think your kids are the ones. You won’t know the real answer until later on in life, if ever at all. The reason I wanted to write about this is because yesterday I went to a birthday party and realized that Gavin hadn’t socialized with his little friends for a while. I told my husband that I felt he could be socially awkward because of this but he reassured me that Gavin was fine. He continued to tell me how I go a lot of places with him and he sees a lot of people daily, and he asked me not to compare him to the other kids. Mind you I was not comparing the kids to Gavin, I was more comparing myself to the other moms, who seem to have everything figured out. They have regular play dates, go to the playground regularly, do Gymboree or other activities, only feed their kids healthy stuff, mostly taking snacks with them everywhere they go. I wasn’t hating on these moms, I was questioning if I should be doing the same thing. And then on our way to therapy I had the discussion with my husband and he again let me know that I was a good mom. He said I love them and that is the most important thing.

While at therapy this conversation came up. The therapist proceeded to ask me if I thought I was a good mom. Without thinking about it I answered yes. Then she asked me again, “are you sure?” Again I replied yes, then she said “you’re not sure because these little things and other moms ways wouldn’t make you question yourself.” I have to say I was a bit…a lot hurt. How could I possibly let other people deter what I think about myself? How did I get to the point where I am unsure. I kept thinking about my conversation with the husband and with the therapist, and realized that I am a good mom. I try my hardest to spend as much of my time with them. I actually spoil them with time!!! I take them wherever I go, we go to VA/MD once a month, we go to museums, zoo, they went to Puerto Rico and Disney World and they interact with people every day. So what if we don’t go to Gymboree every week, or go to the playground every afternoon. I try and that is the best I can do. They have been incredibly privileged to be able to experience other places that are not NYC, they have so much stuff, and guess what, Gavin may not have regular play dates but he does have a permanent play date. It’s incredible the amount of interaction between him and his brother. So why would I let what other people do affect me. The reason I gave Gavin french fries was because during a storm we got caught in the car, so we did the drive thru. I will stop feeling guilty about it. It’s very hypocritical to me, to say that I will never do something when you really can’t control the future. What if in the future all they have is fast food!? Could you imagine all the moms who would flip out at the thought of their kid entering a McDonalds? I have always believed extremes kill people. People who eat to much fast food every day are unhealthy but people who never eat something other than vegetables are also unhealthy. Kids need to try everything and I rather them try it with me and not in the school cafeteria or in a day care, or from another friend. So what if the AAP says that Gavin should’ve had watch tv before 2?? Is not like I sat him in the high chair and plotted him in front of the TV everyday! Listen, I started My Baby can Read at 4 months and he started recognizing things. It was amazing, and Mickey Mouse is my man! He’s my go to guy, because I still have to find ways to cook, clean, do my homework, wash the laundry and eat! And I hate to use the TV so that I could get those things done but the truth is that there is no other way! Sorry mamas sometimes you just have to give in! Is not like I have him watching Real Housewives of Atlanta or Sponge Bob Square Pants! It’s amazing how much he can learn if we discuss the show together! Anyway, what I want to say is that not everyone has the same life. My husband is not home every night, he has shift work, our time is very different than the average person, so our family has different tendencies and ways to do things. And so what? I LOVE MY CHILDREN. I give them everything that I possibly can so that they are comfortable, I try to teach them, the best you can a 2 yr old and a 8 month old to share and be nice, and I also feed them and bathe them and talk to them. And honestly whatever organic, fast food, TV, no-TV lifestyle I choose is what works for us. I will not let people’s judgment make me doubt my parenting! I am a good mom! Hell I’ve been breastfeeding for the last 2 years! I am a good mom and the only opinion that matters is that of my husband and my kids. And seeing the way they kiss me and hug me and seeing the way the smiles is all the reassurance I need! I hope!

November 9, 2012. Babies, friendships, Parenting, toddlers, Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

Friends

How do you know who your real friends are? I have noticed recently that most of the people around me are simply acquaintances. I am lacking real friendships in my life and I think I know why. People lack integrity, and when I notice that, I just put a wall up and not let the friendship develop. I’m also afraid of being hurt. I feel I give people a lot of chances, because I’m uberemotional. I am let down or things just fall through.
I have a person in my life, who I consider my friend, and our friendship has been tested many times, yet I feel like that friend is a flaky one. If they had to pick, they would pick someone else, and why am I friends with someone who is not equally a friend to me? Is the idea of loving someone without being loved back! It hurts, with this person in particular because, this person keeps putting me aside for someone else. I have put my heart and so much energy into this relationship and I feel it has been wasted energy. There are also friends who I care for dearly and yet they didn’t even consider me to be part of their special day.
Even friends whom knew I was walking the Avon Walk and didn’t even make a small donation, not even words of encouragement!!!
I feel like in order to avoid this I have to become this bitch person who doesn’t give a crap and I just delete people from my life. Interestingly enough, the people who have proven to be real friends are people that years back we never thought we would be friends. The one card I received on my 30th birthday was not from my family or my husband. It was from a Coastie who I haven’t seen in person since 2007. It was so bittersweet to read the card. In a way i was excited she had taken the time to send me the card but it also put into perspective the friends that didn’t even wish me a Happy Birthday. I know this sounds like a complaining blog but I just feel like I am missing that element in my life. I love some of the mommy friends I have met in the last 2 years and I have a handful of core friends that are dear to my heart and will always be my friends, yet I wonder why I have 100 people on Facebook. What do these people bring into my life? what are they taking away from my page? I put everything on Facebook, so I am essentially sharing my life with them. Why have them at all? I am curious about how people determine who are their friends and who are acquaintances.
I think it’s time for a Facebook cleansing. Why? Because I should not need to edit what I put on there when I have family and friends who are eager to see the pictures of the boys and stuff. So, sorry to my acquaintances! Facebook will be family and friends only… And I do feel some sort of pressure because my life is constantly changing, due to kids, schedule, big family events, but that should never break real friendships. It’s like single people trying be friends with married people. And then having kids and trying to be friends with people with no kids and then having two kids and trying to be friends with the one kids and then trying to be friends with people who have different lifestyles. It’s freaking hard!!! So I do value what I have, which is why it hurts! Why is it that there are always major obstacles even when you seem to be in the same circumstance? Like the stay at home moms versus the working moms! Or the breastfeeding versus formula feeding moms? Why can we just get over all the bullshit? It’s also hard for me because my family is somewhat far and my husband doesn’t have a big family, so I want my boys to have a core group of friends who they can rely on later on in life and them likewise. I want my kids to create childhood friends!!! And I thought it would be easier to make that happen with the people who are already friends but apparently not! Gavin’s friends are amazing people I have met over the Internet since he was 6 months! Moms who have provided much needed friendship during a period of time that is hard and yet so much harder when your friends don’t understand.
I have to say that there is a group of few people who I have grown very fond off, why? Because they don’t care about the kids, about what we wear, nothing, we can go out with them and our two kids and well have grand time… Well talk about anything and everything and they have been incredibly supportive.
Anyways I think I’m done!!! Tomorrow is a new day and a new Facebook shall arise!!! To the ones who read, please let me know you do!!! Thanks!!!

November 4, 2012. Babies, friendships, Parenting, Uncategorized. Leave a comment.