So much to say, so little time…

I have been slacking on blogging as I have found a new addiction. It’s called the Mom Cave. It’s a Facebook group of Puerto Rican moms who are mostly in the Island but there are also a couple in NY, VA, FL, and other states. It has over 2,000 members and it was so exciting to even find some of my high school classmates in this group. I’m always on the page, looking at new post and commenting and enjoying some of the activities they do online like Photo Fridays. It’s just really exciting to have a group of people who understand you, not only going through motherhood, but also culturally; what we do, how we do it, how we talk. It’s the kind of forum where I really don’t have to “turn my Puerto Rican down!”. This is what my husband tells me every time I am on the phone speaking Spanish, he says “You’re getting loud, turn the Puerto Rican down!”. Any ways it’s just interesting how everything works. In my original mommy group I asked if there was someone from PR and I met her, and she added me to this other group. It really puts into perspective what Facebook is to me!! 

Lent has begun, and every year I struggle to pick what I will give up as my sacrifice. Some of the sacrifices have included, cake, coffee, chocolate, and Facebook last year. This year I choose meat, not only it was a challenge as I despise vegetables, but I figured it would help me on my path to get healthy for baby #3. It has been very hard and the challenge continues, yet 4 pounds liter, I think I might continue this challenge pass Easter day. I have tried vegan hot dogs and veggie burgers, as well as vegan cheese, and mushroom as a dish. Not the greatest tasting food but totally edible, which makes it easier! 

While my son continues in his recovery and the cancer is still away, we go every month for checkups, needless to say it has drown us emotionally, physically, and monetarily! Hospital bills galore up in this house! Every day is more bills, anesthesia, MRI, oncologist, urinalysis and so on… And of course every time we have issues getting him to pee, the last time we were there almost 5 hours trying to get him to pee! Any ways what I was getting at, was that while all this happens, husband and I finally went for an overdue physical, where they found that not only do I have: high sugar, low vitamin D and super high potassium levels I also have some worrisome depressions in my heart, which require me to have an Echo Stress Test tomorrow. And I’m pretty anxious about it. Heart disease runs in my family so it’s a pretty scary thought that something could be wrong with me and I just turned 30. It will definitely change plans around on expanding the family.

It’t crazy to think how much has happened since the beginning of the year. We were going to move and now we’re stuck here. I love our home but we are definitely outgrowing it. We are lacking space, and I just don’t want to put the TLC it needs. 

This week I realized something super important in my life. I sometimes look at my friends profile pictures on Facebook, and I see pictures from all their travels, or from the beautiful houses, and amazing play areas, I look at their studio kid pictures and so on. It makes me sometimes sad, because I don’t have those experiences of traveling to different part of the World, or I don’t have a beautiful house or an incredible play area, and we have never taken a professional picture in our lives (except for wedding pictures), but there is something that I do have that is more valuable to me than all of that. My family is my world. Thinking about the relationship we have is amazing. Yes, we fight, but we are ALWAYS together! Through thick and thin we love each other and need each other so much, and I know that is something not every one has. I created this saying “I may not have the perfect body, or the perfect house, or the perfect family, but I am perfectly happy with my life because I am loved”. What this means to me is that nothing else matters because I have amazing people that love me, and I have been blessed twice with the most amazing gift of love God could have ever created, motherhood. I am thankful or everything I have and grateful that I can clear the fog and realize that the non-material things are the most valuable! 

March 6, 2013. Tags: . Uncategorized. 1 comment.

Relationships??

Relationships??.

February 17, 2013. Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

Relationships??

Adversity changes everything. From the way you feel to the way you react, to the way you interact. Especially with your family and friends. I have an amazing family, we are a bit nuts, but we love each other very much so. Since the diagnosis of my little boy everyone has reacted in different ways and I, in turn have no idea how to react to their reactions! An example is how my brother, who is the godfather of my baby, had the crazy idea to get a tattoo of my baby’s name and the date of his surgery. I understand why he feels that way. On the other hand, my other brother, had no idea how to react so he just didn’t call me at all. He was keeping update via my parents, but didn’t know how to speak to me. It’s hard to understand how people feel the way the feel.

Then with friends is even more conflicting. Be it because they don’t know how to react or don’t know what to say, but I have had mix reactions from different people who I didn’t expect. I have to say I don’t want to name names, but there’s a friend who has been amazing!! Lets just say our kids have 50% the same racial combination! I really felt and feel so much love from this person, and her family. The attentions have been amazing. On the other hand there are friends who have, to this day, even asked how the baby is doing. Hey, some people still don’t know what he had was cancer!

Needless to say, between hospital stays and visits for follow up tests and checkups, plus lonely holidays I have had way to much time to think. The best things in life are really free. You will get what you put out there. I really want to put out there positiveness. Just hope that the next day, week, month, year will be better. Not monetarily, although that would be ok too, but more about the blessings and small joys of life, like healthy happy children, and a wonderful husband…

February 17, 2013. Tags: , , , , , , , , . Babies, cancer, experiences, friendships, Parenting, toddlers, Uncategorized. 2 comments.

The Blanket

The Blanket.

February 12, 2013. Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

The Blanket

I am lucky to have a very talented mother. Not just talented because she’s my mom, but talented because she can anything. Her creative persona is always on high. She can knit, cortchet, she’s a graduated pastry chef, and every time I see what she can make I am amaze at the artistry in her craft. Everything is done to the best of her abilities and the highest perfection any artist could have. She has made me so many hats and scrafs and she has made my boys a couple of baby blankets.

When my sister got pregnant with her first baby almost 10 years ago, my mom made me  a blanket for my future baby. It was white with green turtles and green trim. I saved that blanket until November. I was saving for my future daughter, but for my son’s  surgery in November I took the blanket out and asked the nurse to keep it with him at all times (I have always loved turtles and in Chinese culture they are considered good luck and long life). This blanket was special. So on Monday I brought it with me to the hospital as baby was getting follow-up MRI (I’ve been trying to explain to friends and family that, even though he is “cancer free”, there is a 10% chance of recurrence, and we have to monitor the boy for 24 months- this period includes, MRI’s, urine test, oncologist visits, and so on). Every time he has an MRI I like him to have the blanket around because he does have to be under anesthesia. This always freaks me out.

After the hospital we had to go run some errands. It was a rainy, gloomy day. We headed to Babies R Us, the first stop in our run, I go what I needed, then we went to look for a couch, went to a couple of place and nothing, and after that decided to go to Ikea, when I’m getting together the stroller I can’t find the diaper bag. So I don’t really mind. I keep going like nothing since everything in the bag was replaceable, until I remember that the blanket was inside the diaper bag. I start crying like a little maniac, calling every place I went that day. Still today I called and nothing. No one knows, saw, or has the diaper bag. I didn’t even know how to tell my mom that I had lost the blanket. When I did she asked: “which one?” I replied with a description and she said “I have no idea what blanket that is. I don’t remember it at all”. It made me feel better for a minute, but I’m still hoping that I will call Babies R Us tomorrow or the hospital and they will have my diaper bag with the blanket in it. It might be superficial to some that this is why I’m weak. I’m an emotional mush when it comes to these things, even our couch, which we just got rid off and I cried. Because there are so many memories attached to that material object. To think my baby had the blanket during that time of pain, brings tears to my eyes, yet I realized that the most important thing is that those memories, and not the material things. It is up to me to remember and nurture those memories so that I can pass them on to my boys when they have their boys and so on. Memories are what keep us going. Making memories, living them, reliving them by passing them on and so on. So as I come to terms with the fact that I will never recuperate my turtle blanket, I enjoy the short memories I lived with it.

February 12, 2013. Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Babies, cancer, experiences, Parenting, toddlers, Uncategorized. 3 comments.

Just Drive

Just Drive.

January 18, 2013. Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

Just Drive

I don’t really drive alone, but for the last three weeks I have driven by myself to class in New Jersey. I don’t really like driving my husbands car, he drives a small sports car, I’m used to driving my mom car. I always have the car seats and food and dirt everywhere, extra diapers, makeup extra bottles of water. Whatever you need I have in my car, my husband on the other hand only has napkins, and tools. It’s like a mini Home Depot in his car. Well I have gotten used to driving his car. The truth is people check me out. They like the sports vibe, and because he has “of the market” stuff I have people checking out my wheels and stuff.

I don’t like to admit it but, I don’t  like to drive the car yet I really enjoy the attention I get in it. It’s loud when at a stop light and I feel bad ass. I also enjoy not having the car seats and the babies in the back so I can blast the music. I love to use my car but the independence of not having a carseat is very empowering. I love the feeling of not having to worry about two little lives in the back seat.

Todays’ drive was different. Not in my husbands car but in a loaner car as mine gets service. Although it is the same make as my regular car, because it’s a sportier, newer model I also got attention. Maybe I like the fact that I don’t look like a mom but I totally feel like one, cause of course I could never pretend or forget that I am one. I also think because there are no tinted glasses or kids mirrors to look back to I pay more attention to the people around me. Don’t get me wrong, I always pay attention to the cars around me, but never to the people. When I am by myself is different. I drive differently, and I also play different music (Roll over has been playing on repeat on the cd player!). I have also enjoyed the fact that when I drive I am able to make it to New Jersey early enough to find free parking, go to Starbucks and have an uninterrupted cup of delicious coffee, and also go to the Student Center and print my work for the following week. During the drive back home, I start getting a bit anxious because it’s so much later and I feel that I have to make it home before my carriage turns into a pumpkin. But sometimes, just sometimes I feel like I just want to keep driving. Past my house, just go somewhere and explore, even if the exploration is just to a new Target or a new McDonalds.

Last night I had to leave class early because my husband had to go to work for the overnight shift. I left NJ at 9pm exactly and I drove to Dunkin Donuts. I felt so freaking cool in that car ordering at DD at almost 10pm!! When I got home I felt so accomplished! And then Gavin said “Mami’s home!” and I went back to being just a boring stay at home mom. But from now on Mondays I am driving to school just for the time by myself and the feeling of being cool.

January 18, 2013. Uncategorized. 1 comment.

Friday Saturday Night

Friday Saturday Night.

January 13, 2013. Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

Friday Saturday Night

So as any other normal couple we ventured out on a Friday night. Of course, nothing normal about going out with 2 kids, who are getting sick and under the pouring rain. But well, we did it. After what seemed hours at the NY Hall of Science, we decided to try to find a new hip place to eat in Long Island City. Of course we didn’t really calculate the traffic factor, as it was rush hour. Needless to say we ended somewhere in Brooklyn. During our car ride, or better said, being stuck in traffic, I asked husband to have an adult conservation as both kids were sleeping. I also proposed the idea to go park somewhere and start making out! Anyways I digress, we found our way back to Queens and had burgers from Petey’s Burger. But we didn’t get out of the car, we ate our burgers in the car under the rain with two sleeping babies in the back. After we were done with the burger, husband got craving for a smoothie from the mall. Not Queens Center Mall, but Roosevelt Field. He asked if it was crazy, to which I replied “So you don’t feel bad, I’ll get Starbucks out there”. So we drove to Garden City for a smoothie and a latte. 

We got home and got ready for our bedtime routine with the boys. This particular routine included me in the bathroom for half hour with older baby trying to make him go potty and also brushing his teeth. But these kids are so much smarter. Of course they didn’t go to sleep until like 11:30 at which time, hubby and I were able to have a lone time. And then of course baby #1 wakes up “mami!! mami!!! couddle hug, snuggle in bed, blanket, mami cuddle!” he comes in the bed and the whole blog I was writing at the moment gets accidentally deleted. 

Saturday woke up late, so no time to get nails done, but booked baby #2 birthday location! Then we go to a birthday party with the most amazing food, where I had an ackward encounter with person from the past. Everything turned out cool, and even invited the person to birthday party for #2. After leaving the party we decided to come home. Sitting on the couch hubby starts to talk about how we are home on Saturday night and it’s only 10pm. I remind him that we have 2 kids, we were out all day yesterday and today and we just need to catch up with rest.

Days like these two make me think of a lot of things. For one: how, what one person could view as a horrible weekend to me ended up being a perfect weekend. Secondly how lucky I am to even have the chance to enjoy things like a drive with my husband and kids. See, the reason why it was the perfect weekend for me is because we were all together. Because we shared moments that no one else will share, it was an intimate weekend with my little family. 

Perfection and beauty are definitely in the eye of the beholder. Many people I know would have never thought of driving to Garden City for a smoothie, but that is a ride I will treasure forever, for it is in the simplicity of just spending time with the ones you love. No party, no distraction, just four beings in an automobile, which I might add is a loaner car while mine gets serviced and it’s super uncomfortable! I don’t think my life is perfect but I am glad that God allows me to see the perfect moments he lets me enjoy everyday. 

And that is all. My perfect-not so perfect weekend. 

January 13, 2013. Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , . Uncategorized. 3 comments.

Breastfeeding

Breastfeeding.

January 12, 2013. Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

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